13 months and counting

It's funny how pain sneaks up and bites you when you least expect it. Well, to be honest, it's been brewing inside of me all week. Like a simmering pit of lava that is building up slowly and steadily. The heat is rising, bringing with it a rumbling and unsettledness. Then BAM out of nowhere it hits you. The waves of grief overwhelm your senses. The memories come flooding back and your heart aches for what you no longer have.

It's been 13 months today since our Cody died. You would think the 1 year anniversary would have been the one to knock me over - and it wasn't fun. But grief comes at the most unexpected and inopportune times.

Last week in a grocery store I spotted some 'Pez candy'. Cody's favorite. I picked it up, smiled and then almost lost it in the store. I bought the candy. For what, I wasn't sure. But in that moment I felt close to my little boy who never outgrew his love for scoffing down that candy and refilling his Pez container to take a supply with him wherever he could.

There is an unspoken pressure you feel as time goes on that you should be 'over it' or have 'moved on.' But you never move on from loving someone who is a part of you. Just because you can't see them physically doesn't stop you from loving them.

Like that 'Pez candy container', I carry him with me where I go. I take out a memory here and there and treasure the moment. Sometimes it comes with tears, pain, recriminations and regret. And that's completely ok! But often now it brings joy and a smile to my heart and a knowing deep inside my heart that he is still with me.

Psalm 23:4 speaks of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. [And that's just it - it is a shadow. But that's another story....] I am still walking. I am moving. But it doesn't hurt sometimes to stop and smell the roses, treasure the moments and remember.